I wrote the second part a few weeks ago, and then hesitated to post because I might sound crazy. But I am slightly crazy, so...here you go.
We are now 23 weeks, and baby is doing great! All the diagnostics are looking just fine, so now it's autopilot for 17 more weeks. I mean...I'm struggling to stay awake lately, so I might need an actual autopilot function.
......
We are 20 weeks now! The big half way-mark, and it really does feel like something to celebrate. I'm so happy to feel kicks, squirms, and jiggles. I'm happy to grow bigger every day (although I'd like to just sit and wear a snuggie, if possible). I can't wait until the anatomy scan this week. I think that being the surro-body makes me even more anxious for him to get here - since I don't have to worry about having a nursery ready or dealing with the joys (never-ending hell) of maternity leave paperwork.
The past month has been hard emotionally, and I feel like I've made something of a life breakthrough, so I'm going to share a couple pieces here. This comes from a place of honesty, please don't judge me for trying to know everything or pretending that I have anything about life figured out. If anything, I'm falling in love with life again - trying to learn how to enjoy every piece and the great wonders of why we're here.
I've always been busy and stressed. I faked myself into this calm demeanor because otherwise I would have panicked myself into a hole. Still calmly, I spend excessive amounts of time working, because it makes me feel worthwhile, and it helps distance myself from feelings of failure. (heavy, sorry)
After a lot of years of this...I'm ready for change.
From a further perspective, calm and purposeful is so much more valuable to me than busy and angry. Happy is more important than skinny. Wise is more important than successful. I know that this is in direct conflict with the way that business is supposed to work, and employees are supposed to act. But I can feel a shift around all of us - taking time to become better at life creates more value than simply churning out the same old shit. It's difficult to manage because we're all afraid of failure or feelings.
So. I want to go even further from stressed human. I want to be the person I say I am. I am calm, I take time for mindfulness, and I can handle hard things.
A few weeks ago, after crying an awful lot and almost giving up, I came across this podcast and fell in love. http://alanis.com/podcasts/ If you have lots of time at a desk or in a car, please give it a listen. There is wisdom from therapists and doctors that unlock a lot of hard, wonderful things. I also heard this on my way home - http://www.npr.org/programs/ted-radio-hour/357846020/quiet . And it spoke at the right time.
After that shitty week, and making some strides to start making open space inside me, I felt a lot of better things happening to my marriage and parenting. It's the beginning, but it is good movement.
My first goal: stop saying yes to everything.
My second goal: make space for meditation, learning, and enlightenment.
A few months ago, my good friend Alex recommended Shauna Niequist's Present over Perfect and I love it. Self care is prayer and strength...it doesn't have to be pedicures. We shouldn't feel bad about becoming our best selves.
from Shauna Niequist:
I believe that if we cultivate a true attention, a deep ability to see what has been there all along, we will find worlds within us and between us, dreams and stories and memories spilling over. The nuances and shades and secrets and intimations of love and friendship and marriage an parenting are action-packed and multicolored, if you know where to look.
You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
I'm so lucky to have wise parents, friends, and family. I'm glad to get a second (third, fourth, millionth) chance to slow down and be better at life. I'm so thankful for the village that props me up when I need help.
If you have even more time, I love this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkiqozeTkcs