Third Trimester, from Marissa.

We did it!

Our friend-family is officially in the third trimester. The home stretch, but also the most restless, probably for us and for the Squirrells. I kept wishing and wishing it would go faster, and now it is, and I'm having a tiny bubble of panic rising.  

We have had the "establishment of parentage" paperwork sent back from the courts twice now and we are getting frustrated. Johnathon is the most mellow and difficult to ruffle person I know, and he is visibly agitated, I've never seen him do that anxious leg bounce that I always do, but as he was sitting in our dining room going over the paperwork in his underwear, he was shaking that leg so hard.

I'm thankful he's an attorney and we don't have to pay someone to do this, but it's so confusing, and so hard and just takes so much of the magic of what is happening with all of us away. It feels like this chore rather than this beautiful blessing, so I'll be happy when we finally get that judge's signature. I'm also thankful that California is a surrogacy friendly state, meaning that we can establish parentage before little Sugar is even born. I can't imagine doing all this while caring for a newborn and having no sleep. Trying to stay focused on the positives, there are so many.

Sometimes, for self torture, and also for joy, I'll force myself to think about how I felt a year ago at this time. We had done our two rounds of IVF without success, going on as many trips as possible to keep our spirits up, heading into the holidays. Every Christmas card with a new little baby in the photo wrecked me. I started worrying that my husband would start wishing he had married someone else who could make him a father. I felt SO GUILTY for not being able to give him or us a family, it was such a dark time for us. I know that sounds incredibly depressing, but I don't ever want to lose sight of those feelings. Those feelings make me appreciate what our friend is doing for us on such a deeper level. I never want to forget how grateful we are, and how much pain the generosity of another person can alleviate.  

I think the lack of pregnancy on my part is making me even more anxious to meet him. I don't have the kicks and hiccups (and back pain, and sore tits) to distract me and keep me occupied so I just keep waiting and preparing, and reading books, immersing myself in work and trying to be the best friend to my soul sister who  volunteered for this epic duty (20 weeks ago I was jabbing needles in her rear daily!).

There are many emotions, but now they've shifted to positive ones, which I was missing for so long. I'm thankful that I have this huge light to focus on, rather than the ugliness that is on the news. Doing my best to remember that there are more good than bad ones out there, even if that's hard to believe right now.

77 days left. 

Love, Marissa